It’s a new year and I see it fitting to write a post talking about how I want to change my life and list some goals that will never be met and rant about how I’ve lived for the past 20 years while I continue to live on in the same way. Kidding - sorta. 

New years is almost a depressing time for me for a number of reasons. First, it reminds me of how another year has passed with very little accomplished and much more work to be done (in terms of my character, life, faith, etc.). Second, it reminds me that the time to go back to school is drawing near which means a life of stressful studying (again). Third, it reminds me how quickly time passes by and how little time I have left as a child/student; it seems like only yesterday that I was welcoming in 2011. In total, I have written 24 posts throughout this year, which marks 24 events that I have deemed significant enough to write on a tumblr post. 24… only 24? I remember I ended last year’s New year’s post with “This is gonna be a great year”. Overall, I suppose it wasn’t too bad of a year, but was it a great year? And if not, what held it back from being a great year? What was it lacking? Was it lacking more Jesus? (Definitely…) Was it lacking more “fun” things to do? (I think so…) Was it lacking more time with friends and family? (Yerperoo…). But all in all, as I look back into the distant year 2011 and remember nothing, I still have this overall feeling that it was a pretty good year. 

Now, as I sat in church today and listened to the sermon, I couldn’t help but realize that I could barely relate to the message. The sermon was about resentment, anger, bitterness, etc and how it affects your life, faith and relationship with God. Now, I am not the most forgiving person in the world, but very little seems to anger me… I don’t really get angry… I get annoyed and then quickly forget about it (usually). And then my thoughts began to wander with that thought and I quickly came to the realization that I am alexithymic (a person who has a deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions). Now, I’m sure there are some people who actually suffer from this disorder, but I believe I may have this to a certain degree. I have a hard time connecting to people on an emotional level. I just simply don’t know what to do… I thought I was okay at it especially when I was dating because then, you have to deal with emotions all the time. Women are a handful of emotions and guys must learn to manage or deal with those emotions appropriately when in a relationship (not that women are weak, fragile beings that are going to break down at every emotional turn-point). Simply put, emotions run deep in (most) women. I don’t know if it’s the absence from being in a relationship or the fact that I’m not really around my friends anymore, but I think I have a serious deficit at connecting to people on an emotional level. With my BU friends, (whom I have grown/am continuously growing to love and appreciate, it has almost become tradition for us to speak to one another with truth and sincerity. I mean, we don’t sugar-coat things… we say what we mean and mean what we say. Sometimes it comes across as harsh and for a few of my close friends I have the privilege of being able to talking to them (girls) in the same way I would to talk to my guy friends (when appropriate). And (hopefully) they do not get offended, but they simply take it for what it is and appreciate the “real talk”. So, all this hasn’t helped me to become more sensitive on an emotional level… I am just building up relationships where people can “deal with” me. 

All in all, this carries over to all aspects of my life. When people are going through tough times, I have a hard time empathizing for them or sympathizing with them. I have no words to say but I “suppose” I feel bad. In my life, I’ve grown up with the words “suck it up”, “push on”, “deal with it”. And of course they hurt the first few times, but you gotta do what you gotta do to stay alive in this world, so I just sucked it up and kept pushing forward. I dealt with situations without emotion (usually) and tried to stick with logic. Of course, way too often, my logic was flawed and thus I ended up with bad consequences; but, it was and still is a learning progress. But with all this in mind, the aspect that I feel I am most deeply affected, is my faith. I have grown numb to the touch of Christ in my life and I am growing blind to the ways He is working in my life. I have basically come to the mindset that as long as I work hard and study hard, God will let His will be done and I can continue living my life while God does all the managing. In a sense, it’s a very impersonal relationship that I have with God. I don’t feel anything, I don’t hear anything, I don’t see anything. I am cold and blind to the works of God. And the warmth of His fire and passion is fading each and everyday. I feel like every time I open my textbooks and sink myself further into the knowledge of this world, I am growing further and further away from Him. The crazy thing is, I am getting so obsessed with my studies that I don’t even mind. This is not a rant about how I hate school and how I want to stop studying so that I can do His work… I LOVE studying…. I LOVE what I am learning… I love it so much that I would actually like to go get a PhD and spend the rest of my life studying what I study. The only reason why I complain about schools is because I don’t get to sleep and eat how I want while I study… If the stress level were decreased and the rush of learning was slowed down, I would be having the time of my life. As I read more and more and learn more and more, I feel like I just don’t know enough… so I go searching. I try to find more things to learn… I want to know everything… I want something to click in my head and I want to feel like my brain is solving some sort of mystery of the universe. I am OBSESSED WITH KNOWLEDGE. So what do I do? I’m asking myself this question everyday, especially lately where I have been so confused as to what I want now. What exactly am I living for?